Decisions, Decisions…

I really did try to make this relationship stick, but after the Derby it was difficult to function cohesively.

I lost a friend because of what you did, I had told Z.

Then they weren’t the type of friend you should have kept, had been his response.

We lasted a few months after the initial conversation. I tried to remember that I loved this person, but I could not get over the callousness he had regarding the loss of my friend. Especially when the rift between the two of us had been caused by Z’s decisions.

A few weeks ago, while lying in bed I came to the realization that Z and I would never get married, we would never adopt children, we could barely be seen as a couple. Yet he had been dictating so much of my life. It had sent shivers throughout my body, and I had become exceptionally sad. He had been dealing with the loss of something in his life as well, and it was affecting him. We barely went out and I would end up spending hours just sitting in his apartment while he wrote. It had been becoming increasingly more unhealthy and it was beginning to affect us in a very negative way.

I called A because I just really needed someone to talk to. It’s weird when you’re the one that deals with the problems of all your friends, and yet no one is around to help you deal with your own issues. I had talked to K briefly, but he wasn’t the type of person that was helpful in relationship situations. To be honest, none of my friends were helpful and I felt like I just needed to vent.

A and I met for dinner and then walked around the city for over an hour. I told him about everything that had happened–from the beginning of the relationship, to the Derby, to the day before when I had teared up while taking a shower. He listened intently and stayed silent almost the entire time. At the very end he walked us over to a bench and sat down beside me. He put his arm around me and just looked at me with a very concerned stare. Then he finally spoke…

You have to stop this. You end up with these men who treat you poorly because you’re trying to help them. You have to help yourself first. I’m not saying that I am the one you need to be with, so I don’t want you to feel as if there is bias from my end, but you need to find someone who is going to make you happy and healthy. I would love to be that person, but I want you to make that decision outside of this conversation. I want you to take time. I want you to stay out of any type of relationship. You need to do this for your own sanity. 

He idly plays with my hair while I look down and pick at the coating on the bench.

You and Richard have always teased about the two of you being soul mates, but it’s you and I, RO. You and I are the ones who are meant to be together. It wasn’t how it always worked out and I know I haven’t always been there for you, but that is the way it is suppose to be. The moment I met you, I knew. I knew that you knew as well. This is it, but it can’t happen right now.

I don’t say anything, because I don’t know for sure that this is actually true. We walk back to his car and he takes me home.

The next day I leave for NYC, for good. Even though the building has yet to be completely renovated, I can’t stand to be in California a moment longer. I have dinner with a friend and he stops by to see the building afterward. I curl up on my new couch, watch television and consider calling A.

Instead I go for a walk and get coffee at grounded because Yelp tells me it’s “the place.” On the walk back I think about what I left behind in California, but try to remain positive about what the future could possibly hold. Back on my couch I text A and ask how his week has been. He doesn’t respond for awhile and I end up falling asleep.

When I wake up I have three text messages from A and a missed call. I listen to the voicemail and text him back. He tells me he is going to be in NYC in a week and we should have dinner. I agree to meet him out and wonder if this is the start of something amazing, or the beginning of the end to over a decade of friendship…