Dream a little dream of me…

I really love you and all you do is hurt me.

R is crying. Sobbing. He’s been here for over an hour.

Fuck. I can’t even look at him.

I knew it was a bad idea to even consider trying something with him again.

Look, I say, finally deciding to speak. I know you love me, but that just isn’t enough. You hurt me for years…

I KNOW!! He screams at me.

…and now you want me to forgive everything and imagine that this is somehow going to work out between us. It just can’t happen. I told myself it was a bad idea to ‘work’ on our relationship. We have too much history, too much baggage. We have to move on and it absolutely can not be with each other.

His eyes are still brimming with tears and I can tell he is looking for a tissue.

This wouldn’t be the case if Z wasn’t in the picture. You were comfortable in what we had before the two of you started all of this!

I just sigh. Comfortable isn’t what either of us want, nor what we deserve. I want someone who is more to me than that…you have to understand that.

R gets up and walks out of the room. I can hear him rummaging in the guest room, looking for something to wipe his eyes with I’m sure. I take the time that he is gone to compose myself. The way R talks, anyone would think I was trying to hurt him. In all reality that has never been the case. R walks back in and sits down across from me.

Is it really over? You really want this…for us to never speak again.

R, I don’t want that. I have never said that I don’t want to speak to you, I want us to remain close friends. We have just made it to the point of no return and it would be in our best interest if we continue to see other people…to MOVE ON.

He looks unbelievably upset. I can tell he doesn’t know what to say.

Maybe you should leave. Take some time to figure things out. You need to understand that while being with Z may not last forever, it is what I want right now. We can’t keep doing this to each other.

R moves next to me on the couch and takes my hands. Do you really want this? What about all of things I can offer you?

I jerk my hands back. THAT! That is what I am talking about. This isn’t some sort of business deal R! I’m not negotiating this. I’m not negotiating a relationship with you. You need to leave.

He’s not saying anything…just looking down at the floor. Turning to look out the window I briefly close my eyes and wish for all of this to be over. I’m trying really hard not to cry. If I cry, he will think there is more to it than what I have been telling him for the past hour and a half.

He breaks the silence first.

You have to understand why I’m fighting for this. I love you. I have always and will always. No matter how many times you push me away, run away, or tell me to stay away…I won’t. I can’t. It’s not possible for me to do that. I have been the biggest asshole and I have hurt you more than anyone. I know this. I also know that no matter what you are sitting here telling me, you don’t actually want that. I know that you want that right now. Maybe in six months you will still want it. In the end though, it will be you and I. I know it. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I will always be here.

With that he kisses my neck, runs his fingers through my hair and stands up to leave.

I love you.

I don’t look at him. My eyes are filling up with tears. He knows…

I stare out the window until I hear the door shut and then I head to the bathroom to take a shower. I have to calm down.

In the shower I think about everyone I’ve been with. They’re like ghosts, haunting me. I can never seem to distance myself from any of them, R especially. Even when I’m trying to fall asleep, I think about each of them. Sometimes they are even in my dreams.

I have to wonder if he’s right, though. What if I end up with him? What if I just decide to be comfortable? Is that so bad?

Yes, I say to myself out loud.

I step out of the shower and stare at myself in the mirror. I look so tired. Exhausted even.

Opening one of the drawers in my bathroom counter I take out the last of my zaleplon and carry it with me to my nightstand. I pet my cat, get ready for bed and take the pill.

Pulling the covers over my head I hope that I don’t dream tonight. Maybe I can get some sleep after all.