Throwing the Door Wide Open

Posted in Personal with tags , , on June 4, 2015 by laughinginthedark

I’m trying to troubleshoot a problem at work and somehow I end up logging into Microsoft Office 365. Frustrated I start to just browse around on the site and realize this is the “new Hotmail” login. Chuckling to myself I decide to see if my old Hotmail account still exists. After a few missed passwords, I finally get in…

Does this email still work?

It’s the top email in a long list of unread mail. I look at the sender and realize it’s D. I haven’t spoken to him in what seems like years. I hesitate to open the email, because he’s married and I definitely do not want to be placed in the same position as before. However, curiosity gets the better of me and I read it anyway…

Gone through some crazy stuff in the last few months and was hoping to catch up. Hope you get this 🙂

Ugh, WHY? I don’t need this right now…but it’s D…I was so mad at him for being careless, but I can’t stay mad at him. I send him a quick email back…

It barely works. Best is….

I send him my current email address, but don’t expect a reply. He sent the email over six months ago. I go about my day, wondering what “crazy stuff” he’s talking about. On the way home I check my email while stuck in traffic. D has replied. He’s glad I responded and wants to catch up, to talk. I express my astonishment at hearing from him since his fiance (now wife) forbid him to talk to me, only to find out that she is now his ex-wife.

I think back to when we stopped talking and I feel my stomach ache. I missed him, I did. It hurt that he allowed someone to tell him not to talk to me. I was upset that he didn’t defend our friendship and felt like he pushed me away. I have to take a deep breath and really consider the ramifications of letting him back into my life. After several hours I email him back.

You should text me or call me, it’s easier for me to respond since I’m running around the hospital all day. My number is still the same (555)-555-5555.

It’s done. I’ve opened yet another door. Granted it was a door that had been unlocked in the past, but now it I had flung it wide open. When D is off work, he texts me. We seem to pick up right where we left off. While I’m fixing dinner for A, we’re texting. While I’m curled up on the couch watching television, we’re texting. A is watching the Stanley Cup finals, so I kiss his cheek and head to bed. I know it will be awhile before A decides to head to sleep. I lie in bed talking with D like we have done since we knew each other.

Texting D does make me feel a little guilty, but A and I have had the discussion about what our relationship is, and I have been very open about the fact that we are not dating. He knows that I do not consider us a couple, and he seems to feel the same way. We argue about the label every once in awhile, but I never give in.

In the last few months I have come to the realization that I am the issue, really and truly. I have such a difficult time opening up in relationships and I enjoy collecting new experiences with different people, that I find it hard to stay focused. I tend to wander through relationships until I decide I need a change of scene. I don’t know if I have been conditioned because of my experiences in college, but it’s definitely something I have carried on into adulthood. One of the weird things is that it’s more of a comfortable wandering. I tend to stay within a very small circle of the people I know. I have a hard time making new relationships, so my friends (who apparently have the same lack of focus as I do) from university–or a certain period of my life rather–are the ones I feel closest to.

The next day I continue to talk to D. We exchange texts and reminisce about things that happened over a decade ago. I text A and ask him if he’s going to be around for dinner, but he’s not sure. I feel like there is definitely a change happening with A, and to be honest, I can’t really blame him.

Oh well, ok.

Posted in Personal with tags , , , , on December 16, 2014 by laughinginthedark

A and I are curled up on the couch watching a movie. It’s nice. I like feeling this content. I can see my phone on the table light up, but I don’t really want to answer it while I’m sitting with A. He looks over at me and smiles.

You can get that if you want.

I don’t need to get it. It’s not like it’s work. I shift toward A on the couch and turn my attention back to the movie.

After awhile A gets up to get more wine and I grab my phone. K has sent me several messages

youre in nyc now we should meet up

i know youre lying on the couch being a bum, come downtown with me

we need to taaalllkkk

you are a butt

I snicker right as A hands me a second glass of wine and set my phone down on the coffee table. We go back to cuddling on the couch, but I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to talk to K. We curl up on the couch until the movie is over and A grabs his laptop to start doing some work. I head upstairs to take a shower and text K on the way

Can’t come downtown. We should do lunch this week, just let me know when. I can even meet tomorrow.

Hopping in the shower I start to think about a million different things.

I wonder if I have wasted years on people with whom I would never have the sort of relationship I was suppose to want. I wonder if what I have with A will last. I wonder if this relationship will really be the last commitment I make to someone. I wonder if I will actually be able to commit. I think about a friendship that was recently destroyed by a relationship….that can’t happen again.

I wonder…

The door closes and I hear A walk into the bathroom

Are you ok? You have been in the shower for quite awhile…

I suddenly realize that A is right, I have been in the shower for a lot longer than I thought.

I will be out in a few minutes…

A drapes a warm towel over the wall at the far end of the shower and I hear the door shut again.

Even though I am completely waterlogged, I decide to stay in for awhile longer before I head back downstairs. When I’m finished, I dry off and get dressed. I check my phone…


you dont have time for me anymore

we can do lunch tomorrow though

Walking downstairs, I wonder if A is still awake and if he will be ok with me having lunch with K tomorrow. He is sitting on the couch still working on his laptop and I feel my heart beat a little faster. Not because I’m anxious, or scared, but because I do love this man sitting on my couch at 1:00 a.m. doing work, but I don’t know if he is the one. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around him before kissing him on the neck.

I love you, he says without looking back at me

He kisses my wrist and I walk around the couch to sit down next to him. As I lean into him, he wraps his left arm around me and kisses the top of my head.

This won’t be like last time, ok?

It has always felt like A can read my mind, he seems to know when I’m having doubts and when I need reassurance, especially since I am not the type to ask for it in the first place. I don’t even say anything, and instead I close my eyes and lean further into him. After awhile, I end up falling asleep on him while he works and don’t wake up until several hours later. When I finally open my eyes, he is still typing on his computer and it would appear that he has not moved in order to make sure I was not disturbed. I roll onto my back and look up at him…

K invited me to lunch tomorrow, so I will be gone for awhile in the afternoon

He looks down at me and kind of gives me a puzzled expression. I’m not quite sure what he is thinking and he just responds with, Oh well, okThat’s perfectly fine, just let me know if you change your mind and want to go to lunch together

I’m kind of amazed that he is so ok with me meeting up with K, but I decide not to press my luck by asking him why he isn’t more nonplussed about the situation. Instead I kiss his hand and then get ready to head to bed. Before I can make it around the couch, A shuts his laptop and wraps his arms around me from behind

Going to bed?, he asks.

Yes, I figured I should probably not fall asleep on the couch again…

Good, I was hoping you would say that…

We head upstairs and I realize once I’m lying next to A that I left my cell phone downstairs. Normally I would panic and rush downstairs to get it, but tonight I just press myself against the person next to me and close my eyes. I may be completely unsure of the relationship I have with this person, but for right now I feel ok with the decisions I have made. Even though A and I haven’t labeled what our relationship is, it does not seem to matter much…at least not right now.

Decisions, Decisions…

Posted in Personal on October 20, 2014 by laughinginthedark

I really did try to make this relationship stick, but after the Derby it was difficult to function cohesively.

I lost a friend because of what you did, I had told Z.

Then they weren’t the type of friend you should have kept, had been his response.

We lasted a few months after the initial conversation. I tried to remember that I loved this person, but I could not get over the callousness he had regarding the loss of my friend. Especially when the rift between the two of us had been caused by Z’s decisions.

A few weeks ago, while lying in bed I came to the realization that Z and I would never get married, we would never adopt children, we could barely be seen as a couple. Yet he had been dictating so much of my life. It had sent shivers throughout my body, and I had become exceptionally sad. He had been dealing with the loss of something in his life as well, and it was affecting him. We barely went out and I would end up spending hours just sitting in his apartment while he wrote. It had been becoming increasingly more unhealthy and it was beginning to affect us in a very negative way.

I called A because I just really needed someone to talk to. It’s weird when you’re the one that deals with the problems of all your friends, and yet no one is around to help you deal with your own issues. I had talked to K briefly, but he wasn’t the type of person that was helpful in relationship situations. To be honest, none of my friends were helpful and I felt like I just needed to vent.

A and I met for dinner and then walked around the city for over an hour. I told him about everything that had happened–from the beginning of the relationship, to the Derby, to the day before when I had teared up while taking a shower. He listened intently and stayed silent almost the entire time. At the very end he walked us over to a bench and sat down beside me. He put his arm around me and just looked at me with a very concerned stare. Then he finally spoke…

You have to stop this. You end up with these men who treat you poorly because you’re trying to help them. You have to help yourself first. I’m not saying that I am the one you need to be with, so I don’t want you to feel as if there is bias from my end, but you need to find someone who is going to make you happy and healthy. I would love to be that person, but I want you to make that decision outside of this conversation. I want you to take time. I want you to stay out of any type of relationship. You need to do this for your own sanity. 

He idly plays with my hair while I look down and pick at the coating on the bench.

You and Richard have always teased about the two of you being soul mates, but it’s you and I, RO. You and I are the ones who are meant to be together. It wasn’t how it always worked out and I know I haven’t always been there for you, but that is the way it is suppose to be. The moment I met you, I knew. I knew that you knew as well. This is it, but it can’t happen right now.

I don’t say anything, because I don’t know for sure that this is actually true. We walk back to his car and he takes me home.

The next day I leave for NYC, for good. Even though the building has yet to be completely renovated, I can’t stand to be in California a moment longer. I have dinner with a friend and he stops by to see the building afterward. I curl up on my new couch, watch television and consider calling A.

Instead I go for a walk and get coffee at grounded because Yelp tells me it’s “the place.” On the walk back I think about what I left behind in California, but try to remain positive about what the future could possibly hold. Back on my couch I text A and ask how his week has been. He doesn’t respond for awhile and I end up falling asleep.

When I wake up I have three text messages from A and a missed call. I listen to the voicemail and text him back. He tells me he is going to be in NYC in a week and we should have dinner. I agree to meet him out and wonder if this is the start of something amazing, or the beginning of the end to over a decade of friendship…

Dream a little dream of me…

Posted in Personal with tags , , , , on April 3, 2014 by laughinginthedark

I really love you and all you do is hurt me.

R is crying. Sobbing. He’s been here for over an hour.

Fuck. I can’t even look at him.

I knew it was a bad idea to even consider trying something with him again.

Look, I say, finally deciding to speak. I know you love me, but that just isn’t enough. You hurt me for years…

I KNOW!! He screams at me.

…and now you want me to forgive everything and imagine that this is somehow going to work out between us. It just can’t happen. I told myself it was a bad idea to ‘work’ on our relationship. We have too much history, too much baggage. We have to move on and it absolutely can not be with each other.

His eyes are still brimming with tears and I can tell he is looking for a tissue.

This wouldn’t be the case if Z wasn’t in the picture. You were comfortable in what we had before the two of you started all of this!

I just sigh. Comfortable isn’t what either of us want, nor what we deserve. I want someone who is more to me than that…you have to understand that.

R gets up and walks out of the room. I can hear him rummaging in the guest room, looking for something to wipe his eyes with I’m sure. I take the time that he is gone to compose myself. The way R talks, anyone would think I was trying to hurt him. In all reality that has never been the case. R walks back in and sits down across from me.

Is it really over? You really want this…for us to never speak again.

R, I don’t want that. I have never said that I don’t want to speak to you, I want us to remain close friends. We have just made it to the point of no return and it would be in our best interest if we continue to see other people…to MOVE ON.

He looks unbelievably upset. I can tell he doesn’t know what to say.

Maybe you should leave. Take some time to figure things out. You need to understand that while being with Z may not last forever, it is what I want right now. We can’t keep doing this to each other.

R moves next to me on the couch and takes my hands. Do you really want this? What about all of things I can offer you?

I jerk my hands back. THAT! That is what I am talking about. This isn’t some sort of business deal R! I’m not negotiating this. I’m not negotiating a relationship with you. You need to leave.

He’s not saying anything…just looking down at the floor. Turning to look out the window I briefly close my eyes and wish for all of this to be over. I’m trying really hard not to cry. If I cry, he will think there is more to it than what I have been telling him for the past hour and a half.

He breaks the silence first.

You have to understand why I’m fighting for this. I love you. I have always and will always. No matter how many times you push me away, run away, or tell me to stay away…I won’t. I can’t. It’s not possible for me to do that. I have been the biggest asshole and I have hurt you more than anyone. I know this. I also know that no matter what you are sitting here telling me, you don’t actually want that. I know that you want that right now. Maybe in six months you will still want it. In the end though, it will be you and I. I know it. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I will always be here.

With that he kisses my neck, runs his fingers through my hair and stands up to leave.

I love you.

I don’t look at him. My eyes are filling up with tears. He knows…

I stare out the window until I hear the door shut and then I head to the bathroom to take a shower. I have to calm down.

In the shower I think about everyone I’ve been with. They’re like ghosts, haunting me. I can never seem to distance myself from any of them, R especially. Even when I’m trying to fall asleep, I think about each of them. Sometimes they are even in my dreams.

I have to wonder if he’s right, though. What if I end up with him? What if I just decide to be comfortable? Is that so bad?

Yes, I say to myself out loud.

I step out of the shower and stare at myself in the mirror. I look so tired. Exhausted even.

Opening one of the drawers in my bathroom counter I take out the last of my zaleplon and carry it with me to my nightstand. I pet my cat, get ready for bed and take the pill.

Pulling the covers over my head I hope that I don’t dream tonight. Maybe I can get some sleep after all.


Relationship Soundtracks

Posted in Personal with tags , , , , , on October 25, 2013 by laughinginthedark

I upgraded phones and was locked out of this blog for some time (two-step verification). Then this post was deleted. I’m not sure if WP is trying to kill me by frustrating me to death, or if it’s trying to tell me something…

R decided we should go out to dinner. He picks the place. He picks the time. He even asks me to wear a blue dress. Always the same R.

When he picks me up, I’m not ecstatic to see him and he knows this. I have tried to cut him out of my life so many times, but he just keeps popping back in. We date off and on, and I never like myself for letting him in so easily.

Stunning as always, he says as I slip into his car. I look at him and he flashes a goofy smile, why so serious?

I just ignore him and ask how traffic was.

Not terrible. I listened to decent music on the way here, so it made the drive bearable…

His comment makes me think about my own musical tastes. They have changed over the years, and a great deal of the change came from who I was dating at the time. Many of the bands I love now, came into my life with new relationships.

A introduced me to Plaid, Massive Attack, Autechre, and Squarepusher.

R composed the soundtrack to my life for so long. His music really became my music. ATB basically provided us with a relationship score.

K showed me the value of trance, house, electronica, and DnB. He also showed me how much fun studio time can be.

D taught me that I loved indie folk/folk music. I especially enjoy Elliott Smith, Nick Drake, Bright Eyes and Modest Mouse.

L even showed me that composers, particularly film composers, can be hidden gems when it comes to beautiful music. Soundtracks from films such as Inception, Lost in Translation and Blue Valentine can be the perfect backdrop to an otherwise mundane day.

With all of these relationships, however, came songs that are almost unbearable to me. Songs that reminded me of the inevitable end, the awkward silences, and the infidelity. Songs that made me cry because of the pain they dredged up.

Are you ok?

I snap back to reality and take his hand. Time to get serious.

I have known you for almost 17 years R. In that time you have hurt me more than anyone. You created who I am today. You caused my unraveling and ultimately the foundation for me rebuilding my life. I have loved you more than I thought I could ever love another human being, but I have also hated you with every ounce of my being. I have hated you at a molecular level and…<ATB’s “Ecstacy” begins playing>…

R interrupts me, I remember when this was your ringtone on my phone…way back in the day.

A wave of feelings so strong wash over me, and in an instant I forget what I’m saying. I just lean back against the seat and close my eyes. Suddenly R squeezes my hand.

And I know I hurt you. I hate myself. Every. Single. Day. I hate myself for what I did to you and how I treated you. I know you’re with other people now. I know that your feelings for me have changed, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I love you and I know that deep down inside you love me like you use to. We can do this. I want to do this and I think you want to as well.

I don’t really know what to say. His eyes plead with me and realize I have tears in mine. He brushes them away.

I’m not asking you to make a decision now, just soon.

We ride in complete silence, save for ATB in the background, the rest of the way to the restaurant. When we arrive, I purposely leave my phone in the car and head in with R. I don’t want any distractions while I evaluate this entire situation. I don’t want to fall prey to unmitigated feelings again.

I want this time to be different.

I have never seen you like this…

Posted in Personal with tags on July 30, 2013 by laughinginthedark

It has all happened so fast. Moving. Relationships. The “changing of the guard,” if you will. Even though Z and I spend a lot of time together, I can’t seem to shake A.

While Z is in NYC, I meet up with A. He’s been so loving lately and I do miss him. I can’t help but see what he is going through as somehow my fault.

My life is falling apart, I have lost my wife and kids. I don’t want you to move and I don’t want you to be with this other man.

His words have been stabbing me for weeks. Every time I see him, I know it’s one less moment we will spend together. Even though I have told him we can still see each other, it isn’t enough for him. He wants me to stay, to put everything on hold and I just can’t any longer.

I waited for years, I say dejectedly, I waited for you to do something and you kept me on the side. I know I said it was ok, but you knew it wasn’t.

He looks at me and I can tell he is breaking, I’m so sorry. You have to know that if I thought I was going to lose you I would have stopped. I would have chosen you.

My heart is breaking too. I don’t know what to do. I care about Z. I want to be with him.

You want to be with me. That was the plan! He raises his voice slightly and I look around hoping no one heard. I feel his hand on my knee and he squeezes it slightly.

I’m not letting you go this easy. I’m going to fight for you, and you won’t be able to leave. There is a fire in his eyes that scares me a little.

A, I have to leave. I have signed a contract and… he cuts me off..

You don’t have to leave, I will take care of that. If you must take this job, I can move with you. You won’t have to live in that apartment you hate, I can buy us a house. I can make things ok. I want to make a life with you. I love you. More than anything. Ever.

I feel sick. I want to vomit. I don’t know what I’ve done. I can feel an anxiety attack coming on. I need to leave. I stand up and excuse myself to the restroom. As soon as I’m inside I find an empty stall and wrap my arms around my stomach. I tell myself not to throw up. I will myself not to throw up. I throw up.

I can feel my entire body begin to shake. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. What have I done? What am I going to do? I don’t know. I just know that I can’t deal with all of this right now. I reach for my phone, but realize I left it in my purse at the table.

Ugh, I don’t even have someone to talk to.

I’m not sure how long I’m gone, but I compose myself and head back out. I scan the room, but don’t see A. I feel a mix of relief and yet the anxiety is still there. I go back to our table and see that it is cleared, my purse is gone and there is money left on the table. I panic slightly. What if he is looking through my phone?

I try not to look frantic as I glance around for any sign of A. Then I feel a hand on my back. Are you ready to go?

I look back and see him standing there, smiling. He hands me my purse and helps me out of the chair. He leans over, kisses my cheek and wraps an arm around my waist. Let us abscond, quickly. He laughs and I can’t help but smile a little.

When we get to his car, he opens the door for me, helps me inside and smiles. I watch him walk around to the driver side of the car, a slight bounce in his step. What is going on?

I have never seen you like this, I tell him as he gets into the car, What changed from ten minutes ago?

I just have to play this game a little differently, he says, patting my thigh. Now do you want me to take you back to your place, or mine?

I’m taken aback by his behavior. Not ten minutes ago he was practically in tears, begging me not to leave. Yet now, he was acting perfectly normal, almost as if nothing was going on in fact.

I open my purse to take out my phone to see if Z has sent me a text, but A places his hand over mine and looks me dead on. What does your heart tell you? 

I swallow hard and look down at his hand over mine.

I need to go home.

He sits up and stares at me for a second, then starts the car and we head to my house. The drive is silent, except for shifting and occasional street noise. I don’t bother to look at my phone the entire time, instead focusing on the nightlife outside the passenger window.

As we pull into my driveway, I can’t help but feel my stomach twist itself into knots. A jumps out of the car and opens the door for me. Instead of heading inside I wrap my arms around him and bury my head into his chest.

I can’t be without you. I hear myself say.

I know, he responds, which is why it’s ok if you want to be by yourself tonight. 

I look up at him and he runs a hand through my hair. I changed my mind, I don’t want to be by myself. I want you to stay here.

I can see him mulling over the request and he rubs my back lightly. We can stay together if you come to my house, but I don’t want to stay here.

I’m not sure why, but I can tell he really wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be standing in front of my house right now and he definitely does not want to go inside. I decide to press him a bit further.

But we’re here and it’s further to your house. I’m tired and I want to go inside. I tilt my head to the side and wait for him to respond. A smirk comes over his face and I can tell that he knows what I’m doing.

Is it now? Well I guess you will have to sleep alone tonight. Too bad. He pulls away from me and walks to the passenger door. Without even looking at me, he opens the door and then walks around to the driver side.

I wrestle with myself. I want to close the door, but I also want to go with him. I start to reach for my phone again and then decide to get in. I slip into the passenger seat and he laughs. Shut the door, eshgham. 

Slowly, I close the door and turn to look at him. He puts the car in gear and we head to his house. I’ve lost. Always.

We get to his house and I start to open the door when A stops me. You will want this, he says holding my phone at eye level.

I grab the phone from him and before I can say a word, he is already out of the car. I didn’t look at it. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Now come inside.

It takes me a second to process everything. I look down at my phone and see that I have several missed calls and messages. I don’t listen to them and slip the phone back into my purse. I take a deep breath, leave the car and head inside.

Yes, I have most definitely lost.

What are you trying to prove?

Posted in Personal with tags , , , , , on April 27, 2013 by laughinginthedark

I must admit that I was spurred to update this because a friend updated their blog. Busy life.

Whenever A is upset with me, I can tell. This look comes over him and he becomes protective of our relationship, of me.

Why are you doing this to me?  What are you trying to prove?

Those are the first words out of his mouth when I see him for lunch.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean. Are you asking why I’m seeing someone?

Yes, that is obviously what I’m upset about. You can’t just date whoever you want!

I can barely look at him, I’m so furious. He asked me to lunch and has been berating me since I arrived. A is furious that I’m dating someone. Z, is his name.

I absolutely can date whoever I want. You had the chance to date me, to marry me! You didn’t act on it because you were afraid of your family. You have no rights in regards to who I date.

A looks at me with the oddest expression. Confusion, anger, fear. He can’t understand how I can want someone else. This has how it has always been. A has always been the person I run to when I need comfort and the thought of me finding that comfort somewhere else terrifies him.  He grabs my hand and makes me look at him straight on.

Do you still love me?  He is pleading with me. I can feel my stomach turn.

Of course I do. I have always, and will always love you. I wanted so badly to be with you, but you didn’t choose me. You chose someone else, someone who you refuse to leave. I will always be here for you, but I need someone who can fulfill me in other ways. Ways that you can not because you are in a relationship, a marriage. A marriage with children.

He pulls his hand away and sits back away from me.

So you aren’t going to end this relationship? His gaze is cold and he feels distant when he spats out the question.

I’m not going to end the relationship, no. This man is someone I very much enjoy spending time with. His intelligence is alluring. He is charming, attractive and interesting. I love spending time with him and I want to continue that.

In the back of my mind I know that the relationship, even though it is new, will go somewhere. This person is different and I like it, a lot. I don’t want to hurt A, but I have come to the understanding that I have to do something for myself. For years I have made sure that everyone around me has been taken care of, but this is for me. I can feel my life spiraling out of control, tunneling deeper in some sort of dark abyss. Spending time with Z organizes this chaos. My brain relaxes when I’m around him. I love A, and although I may not have the love for Z that I do for my friends, I want what we have to continue.

A turns his head away from me and closes his eyes. He’s hurt, I can tell. I reach out for his hand and slip my fingers between his. I can feel him squeeze my hand.

I’m losing you. I lost you a long time ago, but I’m losing what I have left. He looks so sad and dejected. I’m in so much pain just looking at him.

You will never lose me, I say as I get up and move to his lap. Would you like to spend some time with me today?

Yes. A quick reply and his eyes look less sorrowful.

I take his hand and we leave the table that is covered in food we barely touched. I kiss him goodbye, even though I know we will see each other in a few minutes. The drive to my house is short and when we arrive I’m glad that no one is home. Heading upstairs, I’m actually excited and anxious.

We make love. We don’t have sex, it’s more passionate and fulfilling than that.

And it is in the moments after, when I feel comfortable with him, that I realize he will be in my life forever.